Working on Context With Modifiers and Placement

Read over the following, and use to help you revise Portfolio Essays for stronger contextual detail, more effective use of descriptive language in main idea sentences.

1. Start simple:  S-V-O

• T.S. shows his spirituality through his emotions

2. Then, to make more thoughtful, ask questions to help yourself better describe your subject and object:

• Who is he as a character--normally? What is most important about them to highlight for claim?
• What does "through his emotions" mean? When and how do emotions show?

3.  Expand the subject anew

• The constantly-thinking T.S.
• or….  T.S., who is obsessed with facts,  

4. Expand the object

• shows his spirituality through his desire for there to be an afterlife and his frustration of not knowing what happens in death.

New topic sentence:
T.S., who is obsessed with facts, shows his spirituality through his desire for there to be an afterlife and his frustration of not knowing what happens in death.

• See how one shows more thought to the reader; the second shows a clearer point. Plus, now one can brainstorm clearer examples to fit that point because one has given him or herself a focus...

• Now, the example paragraph has other questions to answer to support that clear claim

• Why do desire and frustration make sense for a person who loves facts?  (reasoning)

• Where does he show desire for an afterlife? (example)

• Where does he show frustration with not knowing? (example)

 A writer always needs to work on how we discuss our subject(s) in our introductions.

• You need to show more variety in the sentence that introduces text. 

• Too many of you are getting robotic as writers, and no wonder your confessing to writing being more difficult. For Essay 3, therefore, you are not allowed to use the same sentences over and over that too many of you have used to open up the first two essays. 

• Give new framing summary sentences. What is your larger topic on? Contextualize, or frame, your subject text based on that prompt. [This is part of your transition from the hook to introduction of text and essay subtopics.]

• For instance, if your essay is on secret societies, frame your subject in terms of what your essay has to do with secret societies. If your essay prompt ask you a question about evil in society, frame your text around the content in it that directly or indirectly deals with that question.

• Be original, and do not rely on the cliche template of  "In x by y, Z verbs... " ( In the novel The Selected Works of T.S. Spivet by Reif Larsen, T.S. is a boy who makes maps.) You are unoriginal in your writing, and math is not this mathematic, where each of us is simply trying to find the same sentence equation that will work for all of us. Be original, use grammar rules to make up your own voice.

• Sentence variety includes using DEP clauses and transitional phrases that illustrate to your reader that you are more than plugging in transitions, etc. Be creative.

• Your essay title. There were three essays titled "Spirituality and Faith" and one that was "Faith and Spirituality." Again, right off the bat, when you ignore your title as a writer, you have shown a lack of individual thought and individual voice. You must work towards originality in your pursuit of being a writer whose work sticks out from your peer scholars. Good titles may do one [or some] of the following:

• What is your thesis? Borrow the idea, or key words, and use to frame essay.
• What are your main examples? Reference, or allude to, those places you support points.
• Frame the essay by foreshadowing subtopics.

• Frame your subject in regards to the text.  You may even name your subject(s) in the title.
• T.S. Spivet: Man-child of Science and Faith
• Spivet's Maps Uncover Our Way Of Life
• The Evolution of Man and Planet--The Maps of T.S. Spivet

HW for 4/20

1. Download the Portfolio Revision and Editing Handout

2. Again, come with Essay 1 and 2 on USB or e-mail to work on one to two editing or revision issues with essays. 

• Bring Rules for Writers

3. Read the lecture below:

Precision and Concision Decisions

Our jobs as writers is to be as close to the exact idea we mean as we can and to state what we mean as clearly and as formally as is required.

Your challenge as a writer is to make the language as simple as it can be, while also making the words chosen as effective in providing a clear and powerful message.

For example, there is a difference between "He cut her" and "He sliced her stomach open." Which is more effective in giving the reader a clear image?


Rules for Writers already gives some pretty valid and thorough advice, so let's just go through those suggestions, and ask any questions along the way:


1. Look for and cut any redundant word or phrases (156).

2. Look for a cluster of words in which you repeat a phrase. Sometimes, it is helpful to replace the repetition with a synonym or synonymous phrase (example 2, 157), and sometimes it is good to look for a way to cut down the sentence structure by eliminating words and/or punctuation (example 1, 157).

3. The implied phrases are a big issue, especially those "I..." phrases that show up in 3rd person analysis. Yes, you are the writer, so your "I..." is in each sentence you write on the subject. Cut these filler phrases that distract from the true subject.

4. Make a simpler sentence structure. Look for overly conjugated verb phrases (had been sleeping=slept; had thought long and hard=pondered) and replace them with either the simple present/past or with a stronger verb. (Remember that verb list we reviewed? Use it!)

5. Always look for phrases and words to cut away from phrases. Read the sentence over and over without those words, and cut the ones that don't screw up the clarity (159).


Standard Academic Language:

1. Avoid jargon in non-specialized course essays.

2. Avoid pretentious words and phrases that have a replacement phrase. If she died, she died. You don't have to fill the page with "She went to a better place" or "Her soul flew off to that heavenly light" or sometime that distracts from the point of the essay.

• Don't get overly creative with single sentences and single phrases. Think of the PURPOSE of your essay. Unless you are writing a piece of narrative or are exemplifying something that a character/person might say: AVOID mellifluous prose!

3. Avoid slang phrases, dialects, regionalisms, and any cliches. We know what they generally mean, or we don't. Either way, such language is not meant for most academic essays--especially when analyzing academic and nationally prestigious authors' works.

4. Avoid sexist language or sexist perspectives. Look for places in which you find yourself assuming gender roles--and try not to use those words. Instead, use the subject itself, perhaps with an appropriate adjective, to avoid monotony.

• Smith postulates
• The postal worker
• John Gardner's The Art of Fiction

Editing: Run-ons

Dependent Clause

• Incomplete thought: may or may not have a subject and verb, but the idea implies that there is more to come.

• Example 1:  Having eaten.  

• Who ate? What have they eaten? What did eating do?

• Example 2:  At the store. 

• Yes???? This specific example is a prepositional phrase with no context, or subject or verb!

Independent clause

• Complete thought/sentence: has both the subject and verb. Most often, there is also a predicate = verb + object/how subject is modified

• Example: We went to the store. Bourdain is sarcastic. Spivet speaks like a genius.

Run-ons

1. Comma Splices (marked on essays as CS or CS/RO): combine two sentences with only a comma=error.
2. Run-ons/ Fused Sentences (marked on essays as RO or FS or both): two sentences without a conjunction or punctuation=error

• Therefore, run-ons have either incorrect or lack of punctuation for two or more independent clauses.

• To fix, you need to use one of the five methods below to make the two (or more) sentences coordinate with each other or to make one be subordinate

• Each method includes at least a punctuation mark that indicates an end to a complete thought:

1. period  (  .   ) or exclamation point or question mark ( ! or ? )
2. or semi-colon (   ;   )  (only an 'end' when placed after the first sentence when combining multiple sentences)
3. or use the  comma and a conjunction rule (  , + FANBOYS)

• Which method depends on how you want the multiple sentences to coordinate or subordinate. In other words, each methods shows a different relationship between the two sentences!  Let's look at the five methods to see what I mean...

Before fixing, Identify Run-ons

• Mark each of your current end punctuations in your draft with a bar:  | 

• Diagram the first subject (s), verb (v) ... this is the idea of your sentence, right!

• Underline the basic subject, if you haven't...
• Circle the verb that goes with it, if you haven't...
• Box in modifiers

• Read for the mind pause: mark where your brain understands a complete thought/idea.

• Read out loud for the breath pause: mark where you hear an idea sound finished.

• Neither of the above methods will be usually be enough, so you will have to:

• First, look at your extra long sentences and your sentences that have commas in them (because chances are you may have a comma splice!)

• Then, identify where the sentences seems to restart: when the sentence repeats or changes subject from the beginning of the sentence, draw a straight line ( | ) before the restart.

• Besides looking for repeat parts of speech, look for:

• a completely separate "action" is happening...
• a new idea is started...

Five Methods For Fixing Run-ons (Fused and Comma Splices)

• Make Separate Sentences: an easy fix (20c, p.192), find where the two sentences are fused or spliced and place period (or ? or !) between the two clauses. Capitalize the subject of the second sentence.

• Example comma splice: Why should we spend money on expensive space exploration, we have enough underfunded programs here on Earth.   

• Fix: Why should we spend money on expensive space exploration? We have enough underfunded programs here on Earth.   

• Use a comma and a coordinating conjunction: another easy fix (20a, p. 191), find where the second sentence starts and add the comma with the right FANBOYS conjunction.  [Of course, if you have a comma splice, you just need to add the right conjunction after the comma.]

• Example comma splice: Some lesson plans include exercises, completing them should not be the focus of all class periods.

• Fix: Some lesson plans include exercises, but completing them should not be the focus of all class periods.

• Use a semi-colon to connect two complete thoughts: also very easy (20b, p.191), the function/purpose of a semi-colon is to join two independent clauses/complete sentences. 

• Rules for Writers suggest, as well, that you can use a colon or a dash. Warning: make sure you know the function of both (191-192) before you consider using either. 

• Colons are good to use when introducing a quote (192).

• Example fused sentence: Tragedy depicts the individual confronted with the fact of death comedy depicts the adaptability of human society.

• Fix: Tragedy depicts the individual confronted with the fact of death; comedy depicts the adaptability of human society.

• Use a semi-colon, followed by a conjunctive adverb (a type of transitional word or phrase): (20b, 191), more difficult to pull off, though really good to emphasize a relationship between two sentences that are being combined. 

• conjunctive adverb: conjunctive is like conjunction--it means to join, just like a highway junction is the connection of two different routes!

• They are words that imply further action, or a furthering of the idea, such as "thereafter" and "moreover" and "however"

• Example fused sentence:  We ran the race hard we ran to win.

• Fix:   We ran the race hard; moreover, we ran to win. 

• Turn one of the sentences into the subordinate to the other: the most difficult grammatically (20d, p.192) for one still getting the hang of sentence structure, but can be worth it for sake of showing a clearer relationship between two ideas.

• One of the independent clauses is turned into a dependent clause by adding a subordinating conjunction to the beginning of the original clause. 

• Example: We went out to a fancy restaurant for dinner; we were disappointed.  (How boring is this grammatically correct sentence!?!) 

• Subordinating one to the other: Although we went out to a fancy restaurant for dinner, we were disappointed. (Edits make this one sentence where one idea takes importance because of the subordinate conjunction.)

HW for 4/18

Essay 3 is due: three complete pages (down to the bottom) minimum, cited, double-spaced, and a Work Cited page that is not included in page count.

Also, have your Essay 1 and 2 most recent drafts on a USB or in an e-mail so that you can start Portfolio revisions off on the best foot possible. We have two weeks of regular class meetings left (six classes) before you take the final over the last week of class.

Work Cited pages

At the end of your essay you provide a thorough Work Cited page (or Bibliography) of sources used. The in-text citations parenthetical for each source should match its end citation's first work. For instance, if you cite (Lockwood, 43), then your end citation for the poem is going to start with the author's last name:

Lockwood, Patricia. "Rape Joke." The Awl. Mark Bibbins, ed. 25 July, 2013. Web. 4 Apr. 2016.


1. Have source out and available for you to look at. Identify the author(s)/text

• Look at source--your article could have more than two or three authors, so follow from there.

2. Identify the type of source (to find template). Make it simple on yourself: # of authors plus type of source is the starting point for writing an end citation.

• periodical
• audio/visual
• reference
• etc.

3. Write the end citations! Use something like Purdue's OWL MLA citation guide (they update there list, while some have old information. 

4. Alphabetize all sources by authors' last names, or by the first letter in end citation.

HW for 4/13

• Friday, we want to cover Work Cited pages. Review Rules for Writers handbook on MLA Work Cited pages. 

• Essay 3 will be due on Monday, 4/18. 

Thinking About Conclusions for Essay 3

• Perhaps you can use the conclusion to frame a few ideas about the key terms being used

• Example, for "Masters of Love": how universal is the need for generosity in successful relationships? Or, where and when is generosity (of time, of self) not enough? Or, what outside factors aren't discussed that would be ripe for studying further?  

• Or, be quirky thoughtful: These authors have only given you one position, one view, one study, of their topic. What would you like them to do next? What other studies would you like to see done on the subject?

• You're trying to end your essay in a way that keeps people thinking--but you don't want them questioning whether you have really thought about your own ideas that much. You want the conclusion paragraph(s) to illustrate that you have really thought about larger impact of your ideas. Reflection of ideas becomes key. Reflection of those ideas out in the world becomes key.